The picture above is me at one of the saddest moments of my life… I had no idea…
I had no idea how January 7th 2019 would be the start of a very hard healing journey that would change the man that I am today.
One year ago I made a very scary trip to Tennessee and went to a place called Onsite. I went to attend one of their weeklong programs called the Living Centered Program . The ultimate goal of this program is to reestablish congruence between your feelings, values, and actions, and formulate a plan to improve your relationships and live the life you desire. The Living Centered Program gives you the opportunity to make sure the person you intend to be is the person you are. The hardest part of starting this journey was truly coming to grips that I needed help and that my past pain was choking me of living life.
I was very nervous, I had never been to anything like this, and I had no other choice, due to how sad and depressed I was. There was also no other choice because God continued to open doors on this journey and made it impossible for me not to walk through. Here is a video of my first day there right before they took our phones for the week. As I watch this, I know how deeply sad I was and how hard things were for me at that time, I had no idea what was about to happen.
This was the first step that I took in getting to know myself better and to a healed and whole life. At this point I had no idea:
- I would be diagnosed with CPTSD
- I would meet the most amazing people ever at Onsite – who would end up being some of the best friends I would ever have. Who have been monumental in my healing this year, and me in theirs. I would have a service dog
- I would end up going back to Onsite Milestones program for 45 days. I would be the person I am today, the person that I truly love, yes I do love who I am and who I am becoming. I could have never said that a year ago. I would love the Lord in a amazing fresh and real way I would be alive
What I do know is that God HAD AN IDEA! I am more than thankful that God directed my steps even when I didn’t want Him to be apart of my life, at that time. He knew that for me to be the man that He is going to use, I had to start digging deep into my past childhood trauma and start to heal many parts of who I am, from who I was.Throughout the week, it was so incredibly hard to do the work that I did. I believe that this was the moment in my life that I was able to take a deep dive and to see into my past. I was able to take the lid off of all the pain that I had pressed down for so long to come up and start to feel, deal, and ultimately start to heal.
Who I am one year later is truly a miracle and a product of the hard work that I have put in and continue to put in. It may sound like to some I am bragging, and I am sorry you see it that way. I see it as living victorious and telling others about it so they can walk in freedom as well. Do I still have hard days, yes – the good thing is though I now have the tools in my toolbox of life that help me to be able to have a hard day, and keep going! I would have never received these tools if I would have quit on life and everyone else last year. If I would have allowed my pride to stop me from doing the hard things I needed to do.
Please know you are not above getting help, the more that you press down your pain and pretend it didn’t happen the more that you deepen a hole of impending sadness/anger/depression and more. The more that you keep it in, the more you may rely on different unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to make you feel better. Take a step and do something you have never done before. Take care of you.