My mood + My food = out of control (Unhealthy Coping Part 1)

The picture above is from Jan 1, 2019 to Jan 3, 2020 – Here is the story

On January 1st, 2019 I weighed 208.9lbs, hated who I was, was at the height of burnout and in a deep depressed mental state. (This sentence changes at end of blog, scroll to end for spoiler) Before this happened, I was someone who would pride myself on the fact that I would workout, and workout hard – especially with CrossFit. Crossfit became my identity, the only problem was – I wasn’t getting any healthier and wasn’t loosing weight, I was staying the same.

Fast forward to a moment when I was away at Onsite Workshops and I was in a group meeting and we started to discuss coping mechanism and how food can be an unhealthy way to cope. That was the moment for me I realized food was a massive coping mechanism for me and had been my whole life. It then triggered me and brought me back to when I was growing up. When in many situations (some awful) I had to make sure I always ate all my food at each meal.

This started to make since as to why in my adult life:

  • I always ate everything on my plate.
  • I ate fast
  • I put my left hand up in a way to guard my plate
  • I ate very close to my plate
  • I never really wanted to go out to eat in public with friends.
  • I would rather eat by myself and would just eat unhealthy snacks all day long.
  • Eating was something I had to do and eat till I was stuffed.

This isn’t about emotional eating, this is about control. I felt so out of control in so many areas of my life, that one thing I could control was food. When in reality what I’ve learned is that food was controlling me.

As I have continued to work hard on my mental health in many ways. It has bled into my physical health. Food is no longer a way that I cope and is no longer in control of me. I have taken charge, I truly care about who I am and want to fuel myself with the best foods I can. There’s scientific evidence that eating a healthy diet, that includes plenty of fruits and vegetables and limits highly processed foods, can help reduce symptoms of depression, PTSD, and anxiety.

On my journey, I’ve seen my mental & physical health increase significantly. Mental & physical health are very connected. I know that the food I’m eating is a direct correlation to my mental health. It has drastically helped me to cope with any PTSD response that come up with much more clarity.

As I am in control of my food it is not to lose weight, it is for mental clarity and overall health. One of the benefits of it has been that I’ve lost 17lbs (at the time of this post) since October 2019 and I’m a completely different human mentally, spiritually and physically from January 1, 2019. So let’s re- write that first sentence of this post.

On January 3rd, 2020 I weighed 191 lbs, LOVE who I am, am at the height of the most joy I’ve ever experienced and in a much healthier mental state.

Trust the Process…


I encourage you, look deep into yourself and get to know you.

  • What are some areas where you know that your not in control?
  • What are things that you are in auto pilot with?
  • How do you cope with anything, both healthy and unhealthy?
  • Does a childhood wound play into your current way of coping?
  • Does a traumatic event cause you to cope in an unhealthy way?

Ask these questions and if you need to go deeper do it. You deserve it, your worth it and you will be so glad you did the work. I’ve have a list of mental health professionals right here.

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